


I was waiting on a different story

by ShariDeschain



Category: Agent Carter (TV)
Genre: Episode Related, F/M, One-Sided Attraction, Spoilers up to 1x07
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-22
Updated: 2015-02-22
Packaged: 2018-03-14 15:20:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3415658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShariDeschain/pseuds/ShariDeschain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Truth is, he still wants to kiss her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I was waiting on a different story

He wakes up with the taste of blood in his mouth, and it's the first familiar feeling of the whole day.

The sun is still directly above him, so he knows he wasn't out for too long. His jaw, his ribs, everything hurts, and that's familiar too. He knows how to deal with this. So first he leans on his elbows, then he carefully sits, and finally he slowly stands up on his feet. 

Without even thinking he picks up his gun, checks the bullets, locks it, and puts it back into its holster, then he spits the blood on the ground.

He allows himself just a few seconds to think about Peggy's last words to him.

( _I'm sorry, Jack._ )

He closes his eyes, breathes in and out a couples of times, then he clenches his fists, ready to hunt her down.

Only now he knows it won't be so easy as he thought it'd be.

 

*

 

For a long time he felt like it was going to happen at any moment he'd choose, like the right words were always on the tip of his tongue, ready to be spoken at his own command: _“Want to grab a coffee, Carter?”_ , or _“What about a dinner tonight, Carter?”_ , or _“I could teach you something about the new guns, Carter”_.

For a long time he felt like it was going to be easy. Because, well, for a long time it was. Not with Peggy, of course, but with everyone else, and especially with himself. At first it was easy to play the hero, he just had to lower down his head to accept the medals, and then smile at the pats on his back. At first he didn't even need to get drunk before going to sleep, and he could actually stare at himself in the mirror without wanting to punch his own reflection.

And if he could live with his own lies and with his own betrayal, with his collection of undeserved medals framed and hanged on his bedroom wall, well, then he could do anything, even ask Agent Carter out.

Easy, yeah.

In retrospect everything seems easy.

 

*

 

After the war he accepted the job in the SSR because he felt like it was the only way to make amend for his mistakes.

He stayed because he wanted to belong, and because 'Agent' was better than 'Soldier'.

And he put everything he had left into it because it was the right thing to do, and because even if he'd wanted to, he didn't know how to do anything else.

Truth to be told, it wasn't easy at all, but at least it gave him back some proud.

 

*

 

He wasn't the only one with this kind of ideas in his head. Not a big surprise, considering that Carter was the only woman in their office and she'd never let anyone forget about it. All of them could hear the ticking of her heels from the lower floor, and then every time she walked between their desks. And even if she never cared enough to look back at them, he could see the looks his colleagues threw in her direction. Not that he blamed them. 

For him it'd always been her mouth, though. Her lips, so red and inviting, and the way she licked them just before speaking, the little twists at their corners when she felt annoyed with one of them, how she'd part them lightly when listening to something that really interested her.

In his fantasies he'd kiss her right in the middle of the office, then he'd push her against her desk, clearing it of all the papers with one arm and lifting her over it with the other, strongly tighten around her waist.

In his fantasies she'd not only allow him to do so, but she'd also kiss him back.

But then, they're only his fantasies.

 

*

 

If you keep lying about one thing long enough, sometimes you forgot the truth behind it. That's because you become so accustomed to think about the lie you've to tell before the truth you remember, that the latter begins to feel less and less real in your own mind.

So it took him a random comment by one of the other agents to realize why he and Carter was never going to happen.

“She only falls in love with heroes, that woman”, Yauch said, looking at Peggy from behind his newspaper. “She was Captain America's girlfriend, you know?”

“Yes”, Jack said slowly. “I know.”

( _Only with heroes._ )

He'd never stand a chance with her.

 

*

 

So, of course, she was the first person he'd found the courage to tell the truth to.

He wanted her to know because he wanted to be free both from his lies and his feelings for her, and he couldn't think about a better way than that.

He wanted to feel ashamed, he wanted to see the disgust in Peggy's eyes. He wanted to say to her _“you're better than me”_ without actually saying it.

He wanted _her_ to _know_.

( _Captain America's girlfriend._ )

It felt like a good revenge against himself for his own cowardice.

And even if at the time she had only kind words for him, Jack knew that now she'd always look at him with different eyes.

He knew he'd lost her even though he'd never had her.

And it felt really good.

 

*

 

He'd like to say that watching her from the wrong side of the table doesn't feel like a revenge too. But he stopped lying to himself a long time ago.

Truth is, it's always good when someone you consider better than yourself fails. It's just human nature.

Truth is, he's tired of being the coward in a story about heroes.

Truth is, he still wants to kiss her.

 

*

 

Until not too long ago he would have expected to see her cry in a situation like this, but he's learning fast.

There's little left of Chief Dooley. Not enough to fill a coffin, that's for sure.

“I will catch them”, Peggy says, eyes fixed on the white sheets in the middle of the street. There are ashes everywhere, and a burning smell all around them; some cars are still on fire. She has pieces of glasses in her hair and a bleeding cut on her chin. The rage in her voice is the most reassuring thing Jack's heard all day.

The british butler puts a hand on her shoulder, but she shrugs it off, and that feels good too.

“I'll make them pay”, she continues, pressing her lips together.

“I'll help you”, Sousa says, and Peggy nods, but Jack's sure she didn't hear him at all.

He doesn't say anything.

 

*

 

“You're not a damsel in distress”, he says out of the blue.

It's so late that it's almost early, and they're all sitting on the laboratory's floor, still trying to find clues about Item 17.

Peggy looks up form her list and raises an eyebrow at him.

“I know”, she replies.

“Now I know too.”

“Good.”

It's the closest thing to _I'm sorry_ he can manage, and he hopes it's enough.

“I'm not the secretary either”, Peggy adds, still looking at him.

“I know.”

“Good”, she repeats, turning her attention back to her list. “Then I suggest that you go pick up some coffee for all of us, since we are far from going to bed anytime soon.”

He opens his mouth to protest against that obviously childish revenge, then he notices Jarvis doing the same thing, probably to say that his tea is way better than american coffee, and he quickly jumps on his feet.

“Okay”, he cuts him off. “Back in ten.”

And even if her mouth's hidden behind the papers, he knows she's smiling at him, and as soon as he's out of her sight, he smiles too.

**Author's Note:**

> \- I love this show with all my heart and I was kinda scared of writing about it, but I got a lot of feelings and I need to do something with them, so here we go.
> 
> \- Written for the COW-T #5 @ maridichallenge, prompt 'revenge'


End file.
